A Descent Into Madness, Twilight Review 13

Twilight, chapter 13: Confessions

Listen, I knew going into this chapter that it was going to be bad. I knew that Edward was going to sparkle and it was going to utterly destroy every single vampire image that came before it. Stephenie Meyer admits to having never seen a single vampire film nor read Dracula. She is exactly the wrong person to write about vampires. And this chapter proves it.

Evidently, it is the chapter from which this entire awful, malformed, inbred, misshapen series was born; Stephenie Meyer had a wet dream, put pen to paper, and gushed this out all over the page. AND THAT IS EXACTLY HOW IT READS.

So after his dramatic step out into the sunlight, Edward apparently just lays around in it with his shirt open. For hours. And Bella literally just sits there and stares at him.

“The meadow, so spectacular to me at first, now paled next to his magnificence.”

Bella—or rather Meyer—yammers on about how beautiful and perfect Edward is for what seems like pages and page. Can we just stop now, Meyer? Please? We get it. Edward is beautiful, he’s godlike, he’s perfect and flawless and all those other utterly boring adjectives you seem to have to use whenever you describe him. WE GET IT.

“I don’t scare you?”

Dude, you’re sparkling. There is literally nothing scary about a man who sparkles in the sun like diamonds. You could be holding a bloody machete in one hand and a baby’s head in the other and still not be scary if you SPARKLE.

Bella then ups the weird factor by starting to touch him all over. She caresses his arms and watches the sun glitter on his palm. That’s literally what the book says. “I lifted his hand, turning it this way and that as I watched the sun glitter on his palm.”

I hate you, Stephenie Meyer. Not only did you neuter your vampires, you literally threw glitter all over them.

Edward, who has taken to asking Bella what she’s thinking since he can’t just intrude uninvited into her thoughts like he can with everyone else, complains about how hard it is not being able to read her thoughts.

“I was wishing that I could believe that you were real. And I was wishing that I wasn’t afraid.”

How can you claim to be in love with someone who you also claim to be afraid of, Bella?!

“I don’t want you to be afraid.”

THEN WHY DO YOU KEEP TELLING HER HOW DANGEROUS YOU ARE AND HOW SHE SHOULD BE AFRAID OF YOU, EDWARD?!

Then there’s possibly the worst line I’ve ever read in the history of ever.

“But I couldn’t answer. As I had just that once before, I smelled his cool breath in my face. Sweet, delicious, the scent made my mouth water.”

Jesus Christ, Meyer, you’re so creepy. What the hell is wrong with you?

One thing I’m getting really goddamn tired of is the fact that Edward can never do anything normally. Everything he does is done expertly or elegantly or perfectly.

“He stopped, still several feet away, and sank gracefully to the ground, crossing his legs.”

WE GET IT, MEYER, HE’S PERFECT! STAHP! All he’s doing here is sitting down for Christ’s sake. How does one sit down gracefully?

After this, things get kind of a lot messed up. He stands up and inexplicably starts mocking her. Like, a lot. And once again, Meyer proves that she is capable of pointing out all the creepy/pathetic/unhealthy aspects of her characters all the while completely missing the point that they’re creepy/pathetic/unhealthy aspects.

“I’m the world’s best predator, aren’t I? Everything about me invites you in—my voice, my face, even my smell. As if I need any of that!”

Edward then proceeds to run around the clearing tearing huge limbs from the trees and throwing them super fast against other trees until they explode. Really. Basically, he tells her that she has no hope of either outrunning him or outfighting him and then proceeds to demonstrate exactly what he means. And this literally just makes him more beautiful in Bella’s eyes. What a goddamn Mormon—I mean moron. There’s about two pages of really terrible and awkward dialogue where he apologizes for his little display of manliness or whatever that was supposed to be. The whole scene is honestly so painfully awkward that I have no idea what actually happened.

He goes on to say that Bella shouldn’t be so glad that he’s a selfish dick who cares more about his desires than her safety. Also, even Edward’s raeg voice is more perfecter than mere mortals’.

“Don’t be!” He withdrew his hand, more gently this time; his voice was harsher than usual. Harsh for him, still more beautiful than any human voice.”

God I hate this book.

“It’s not only your company I crave! Never forget that. Never forget that I am more dangerous to you than to anyone else.”

THEN STOP ALLOWING YOURSELF TO HANG OUT WITH HER, YOU FUCKING MORON! Seriously, if you are SOOOOOOO dangerous to her specifically, stop inviting her to spend time with you!

Now, you guys understood that he meant he desires to feed from her, yes? His point that her life was at risk when they’re together, that was pretty clear? I thought so, but apparently Bella is just that stupid.

“I don’t think I understand exactly what you mean—by that last part anyway.”

WHY DO YOU NEED EVERYTHING SPELLED OUT FOR YOU, BELLA!?

This next part is equal parts creepy, messed up, and just plain stupid. Edward is explaining to Bella exactly why she specifically is in danger when she’s around him. He starts by giving a really bad metaphor about alcoholics being locked in rooms with various types of booze. It’s seriously awful. But then it gets AMAZING.

“Perhaps I should have made our alcoholic a heroin addict instead.”

“So what you’re saying is, I’m your brand of heroin?”

“Yes, you are exactly my brand of heroin.”

Apparently, vampires in Meyer’s world have certain humans who smell more intoxicating to them than others do and lo and behold, Bella is Edward’s. Of course. Because omg guys, they were made for each other and all the signs are there and they’re so perfect and UGH! Here’s their whole messed up conversation, interpreted by yours truly:

BELLA: I’m your brand of heroin?

EDWARD: Shit yes, you’re my brand of heroin!

BELLA: You guys find your special blends often?

EDWARD: Sometimes…

BELLA: And?

EDWARD: Well Emmett said he found his twice. One was really sweet.

BELLA: What did he do?

EDWARD: …

BELLA: I see…

EDWARD: Don’t get me wrong, Bella! They were strangers and this was a long time ago. I know you.

BELLA: Wait, so if we’d met in a dark alleyway instead of a classroom, you’d’ve—

EDWARD: Oh, in a New York minute, yeah. In fact, *it took everything I had not to jump up in the middle of that class full of children and—*well, you get the idea. (*actual line*)

BELLA: Oh, so that’s why you acted like I was a plague carrier who’d rolled in her own shit. That explains SO MUCH.

EDWARD: I thought you were a demon from my own personal hell here to torture me. *In that one hour, I thought of a hundred different ways to lure you from the room with me, to get you alone. And I fought them each back, thinking of my family, what I could do to them.*

Let me just reiterate what’s going on here. Edward is confessing (oooooh, the name of the chapter makes so much sense now!) that he acted like such a royal dickweed in the beginning BECAUSE HE NEARLY COULDN’T CONTROL HIS URGE TO MURDER BELLA. And it GETS WORSE. He admits he even considered murdering the office lady when he was trying to get his class switched and Bella walked in. He admits that he had to force himself not to wait for her after school and stalk her. So what did he do? HE DROVE TO FUCKING ALASKA. And you’ll note, he wasn’t doing this for Bella. No. He was doing it because he didn’t want to screw things up for his family. JUST LIKE I SAID HE WAS!

He continues this long-winded speech about how badly he wants to eat Bella but how it’s cool coz he’s got this all under control. Then he starts off on another long-winded speech about how he could never hurt Bella because he cares so much for her. Seriously, this goes on for PAGES AND PAGES. And all of it is Edward TELLING Bella how much he cares for her. Stephenie Meyer loves to tell us how her characters feel about things. She doesn’t SHOW us. What aspect of Edward’s behavior over the last 273 pages even hints at romantic attraction? Exactly nothing, that’s what. He’s saved her twice, something any decent person should do regardless of their feelings toward the person. That’s not love, that’s morality. Everything else has been mostly condescension, disrespect, abuse, bullying, and dominance, with a sprinkle of clinical fascination thrown in because I guess he wasn’t being condescending enough before he started treating her like a lab monkey. Before this “date” and the grand act of allowing her to see him sparkle, there has been no indication whatsoever that he even liked her, let alone had feelings for her. If anything, Edward has radiated begrudging tolerance of Bella AT BEST.

Once he’s done telling her just how much she means to her (which she naturally eats up every last drop), she unnecessarily tells him how she feels.

“You already know how I feel, of course,” I finally said. “I’m here…which, roughly translated, means I would rather die than stay away from you.”

SWEET JESUS FUCK. BELLA! How is this meant to be an example of anything resembling a healthy relationship? A couple who are madly in love shouldn’t feel this way! And on top of that, she’s only known this guy for a few months, of which most were spent getting mocked and belittle by him and all of them were spent afraid of him. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, BELLA SWAN?!

This book, you guys…UGH!

Edward creepily rubs his face on Bella’s throat to show how in control he is of his urge to tear it out. Then Bella equally creepily runs her fingers all over Edward’s face. Seriously, what is going on here? Then Edward says this line and I pretty much check out of the book completely because Meyer is such a stupid hack.

“There are other hungers. Hungers I don’t even understand, that are foreign to me.”

Wait…you mean…sex? YOU’RE SO DEEP, MEYER! And does this mean Edward is a virgin? Isn’t he over a hundred years old? AND A FUCKING VAMPIRE? SO in all the years that he was murdering people before he decided to go veggie, not once did he bone a chick before he ate her? Murder was cool but no sex before love? Is that what’s being implied here?

Edward decides the party is over and they should head back to the car, only this time, he wants to travel his way. Bella, being the fucking moron that she is, actually asks if he’s going to turn into a bat. AND SHE’S SERIOUS.

“Will you turn into a bat?” I asked warily.”

Yes, “warily.” Not “wryly” or “sarcastically,” she said “warily.” As in, she was dead serious. How does she remember to breathe, you guys?

Edward tells her he’s going to carry her and they’re going to run, and despite the fact that she has just seen him tear two-foot thick limbs off trees and throw them so hard that they shatter against other trees, she feels the need to warn him that she weighs more than the average backpack. HOW ARE YOU A LIVING THING, BELLA SWAN?!

They finally kiss on page 282 and it’s really awkward and I’m honestly not completely sure what happened. There was an “oops” moment and a pause and then more kissing and I don’t understand what Meyer was trying to convey because it’s all done so poorly. Naturally the “oops” moment was Bella’s fault because Edward was perfect, as always.

After the kiss, Bella is apparently so affected that she acts drunk, to the point where Edward demands that he be allowed to drive because she’s so clearly not in control of her shit. Seriously. She’s all swoony and can’t stand or walk properly. All because she kissed Edward.

And then I check out of this review completely when Bella says:

“It would cause me physical pain to be separated from him now.”