A Descent Into Madness: Twilight Review 14

The chapter started out actually kind of interesting. And then took a sharp right turn into Creepytown, USA, population: 2.

Twilight, chapter 14: Mind Over Matter

This chapter will be difficult to review, and not just on account of the fact that I took literally no notes on it while I read. No comments, no quotes, no page numbers. Nothing. And frankly, as it happened, I didn’t need to, because aside from a mind-meltingly creepy confession, absolutely nothing happened in this chapter. And I know I say that a lot, but in comparison, every other time I’ve said that, there’s been some kernel of plot, something to drive the story forward a teensy bitty bit. Not true with this chapter.

As I’ve come to expect from Stephenie Meyer, this chapter picks up the moment the previous chapter left off and chronicles nothing but mundane tasks and banal conversations between Bella and Edward.

Well, okay, I take that back. Edward’s story about how he became a vampire and who the rest of his “family” are was actually kind of interesting, albeit short and completely rushed. But the rest of it was just more of the same cheesy, lazy writing Meyer has made herself famous for. We find out that Edward was born in Chicago in 1901 and that he lost his whole family, and nearly himself, to the influenza epidemic in 1918. Carlisle found him near death and saved him by turning him into a vampire. I kinda like that. It’s interesting.

He explains a bit about the rest of the Cullen clan and introduces the idea of some vampires having special abilities. He can read minds, for example, and Alice has the gift of precognition. And Jasper has the ability to influence large numbers of people at a time, either riling them up or calming them down. I actually thought this was a neat idea. But if you think this is the beginning of me coming around and liking this book, you’ve got another thing coming, because the rest of the chapter is just so bad.

I’m gonna skip all the boring crap that Meyer always feels like including, like a detailed description of Bella heating up a piece of lasagna in the microwave or Charlie taking his boots off. I’m even going to skip over all the instances of misogyny and hypocrisy and completely awful dialogue. None of it is important next to the absurdly creepy revelation that Edward has been breaking into Bella’s house at night AND WATCHING HER SLEEP. And not just recently, either. He’s been doing it FOR MONTHS. In lieu of a traditional review, here’s a number of images to help convey my internal reaction to this news (which Bella found completely romantic and not at all intrusive, of course):

wtf_gif_urkel

wtf-eccbc87e4b5ce2fe28308fd9f2a7baf3-2530

marv3

tumblr_lo8pj2Z1XJ1qeg9obo1_400

ace-ventura-shower-o

Lastly, if someone ever admits to a gross violation to your privacy, do not be flattered. And when that person asks you if it upsets you, do not respond with, “That depends.” The answer is always, unequivocally, most assuredly, “Get the fuck out of my house, you fucking psychopath.”

Advertisements

About J. R. Walker

My name is Josh and I'm an aspiring writer currently attending Southern New Hampshire University online to get my degree in Creative Writing. I currently have over a dozen short stories under my belt, as well as a number of novels in varying stages of completion. I have yet to be published but I'm hoping to self-publish within the next year or so. As a writer, I'm also an avid reader. My current inspirations are H. P. Lovecraft, Stephen King, Jo Rowling, and George R. R. Martin. Besides being a writer, I'm also a fairly decent knitter and crocheter.
This entry was posted in Book review, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s