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A Descent Into Madness, Twilight Review 23, 24, and Epilogue

Well, I’ve done it. I’ve finished this abominable book. It’s been a long, hard road, but it’s over. Until I start New Moon…Ugh. This is sort of another triple review. Ish. Chapter 23 was only 6 pages, so obviously I couldn’t just review it on its own. And after chapter 24, there was only an epilogue left, so I decided to just plow through to the end. So here we go. The exciting (not really) conclusion of Twilight.

A Descent Into Madness, Twilight Review 20, 21, and 22

This is a first, guys. Stephenie Meyer is so inept a writer that I had to make this review cover three chapters just to have enough material to talk about. Let me explain my process to help you understand a bit what I mean. When I read, I have a pen and paper next to me where I jot down comments, page numbers, and quotations I intend to use in my review. The first chapter yielded about one page of notes. Typical chapters give at least two, sometimes three pages. Fine. I continued on to the next chapter, expecting to get enough notes to make up the difference. Wrong. That chapter gave me four note; just a third of a page, guys. NOTHING WAS HAPPENING. I had to plow through a third chapter just to have enough worth talking about. So here you go; a special treat. Three reviews in one. LET’S DO THIS.

A Descent Into Madness, Twilight Review 19

This was another short chapter, around 15 pages or so, and I honestly wasn’t expecting much out of it. I’m not exactly sure how to write this review, if I’m being perfectly honest. Or how to really lead into the review with this intro. I think maybe we should just get started.

Twilight review, Chapter 19: Goodbyes

Okay, so this is awkward. Like, really really awkward. I think I…kind of liked this chapter?

I know! I kept reading expecting it to turn terrible by the end of the chapter and it didn’t! That isn’t to say this chapter is perfect, however. There’s misogyny and victim blaming and bad writing aplenty, but if you take this chapter on its own, without the context of the rest of the book and the “characterization” Meyer has done over the last 400 pages, it’s genuinely kind of exciting. So let’s get into it.

A Descent Into Madness, Twilight Review 18

This chapter was short, barely fifteen pages. I had initially thought about combining this review with the next chapter review because both together are only 30 pages. But as it turned out, I had plenty to say about this short chapter. This review is over 8 pages long, half as long as the chapter it’s reviewing. And it could have been significantly longer had I the energy or inclination to go into gory detail about everything that’s wrong with it. I touched on the important bits and I’m happy with it. Enjoy, everyone.

Twilight, chapter 18: The Hunt

As you may recall, chapter 17 involved the (apparently) infamous vampire baseball scene, which was cut short by the imminent arrival of another clan of vampires. These vampires are presumably not as strict about their diets as the Cullen clan and Bella’s presence posed a problem should she be discovered. Chapter 18, true to Meyer form, picks up right there.

A Descent Into Madness, Twilight Review 16/17

Because chapter 16 was incredibly short and completely pointless as its own chapter, you guys are getting a double review with this one. If it works well, I may adopt it for subsequent books so that I can get through this awful series twice as fast. Are you guys ready for some serious wankery? LET’S DO THIS!

Twilight, chapter 16/17: Carlisle/The Game

So chapter 15 left off with Edward tasting Bella’s tears and offering to show her the rest of the house. In chapter 16, Edward shows her…Carlisle’s office? Yeah, he takes her to Dad’s office. For some reason. The office actually sounds kinda cool. It’s full of old photographs and paintings and tons of books. Edward physically moves Bella around the room like a child, because, you know, that’s his thing. But it’s cool because Bella lubes up every time he touches her.

A Descent Into Madness, Twilight Review 15

You know, I honestly thought I was prepared for any creepiness this series could throw at me after Edward’s breath makes Bella’s mouth water or the whole Edward-watches-Bella-sleep thing. Turns out, I was wrong. So very wrong.

 

Twilight, chapter 15: The Cullens

 

By and large, this is another chapter that isn’t awful from a storytelling standpoint, but is marred by a number of familiar problems and one massively disturbing action that literally made me slam the book shut, throw my pen, and shout, “WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!” Yeah, it was one of those chapters. So let’s get started.

As usual, the chapter more or less picks up where the last one left off. In chapter 14, Bella and Edward sleep together. And by that, I mean Bella falls asleep with Edward sitting next to her probably staring at her. They cuddle and touch each other and basically do everything but sex, because that would kill them or something.

A Descent Into Madness: Twilight Review 14

The chapter started out actually kind of interesting. And then took a sharp right turn into Creepytown, USA, population: 2.

Twilight, chapter 14: Mind Over Matter

This chapter will be difficult to review, and not just on account of the fact that I took literally no notes on it while I read. No comments, no quotes, no page numbers. Nothing. And frankly, as it happened, I didn’t need to, because aside from a mind-meltingly creepy confession, absolutely nothing happened in this chapter. And I know I say that a lot, but in comparison, every other time I’ve said that, there’s been some kernel of plot, something to drive the story forward a teensy bitty bit. Not true with this chapter.

A Descent Into Madness, Twilight Review 13

Twilight, chapter 13: Confessions

Listen, I knew going into this chapter that it was going to be bad. I knew that Edward was going to sparkle and it was going to utterly destroy every single vampire image that came before it. Stephenie Meyer admits to having never seen a single vampire film nor read Dracula. She is exactly the wrong person to write about vampires. And this chapter proves it.

Evidently, it is the chapter from which this entire awful, malformed, inbred, misshapen series was born; Stephenie Meyer had a wet dream, put pen to paper, and gushed this out all over the page. AND THAT IS EXACTLY HOW IT READS.

A Descent Into Madness, Twilight Review 12

This book is going nowhere. And it’s not even going nowhere fast. It’s going nowhere at a crippled snail’s pace. I’m now past the halfway point and Edward and Bella are only just now going on their first real date. And there’s still no conflict. None. Not a drop of it. In fact, there’s no STORY here. It’s literally just day-to-day life with a self-hating, whiny, clumsy, co-dependent, creepily obsessive girl. It. Is. So. Boring. Also, gentlereader, there are pitifully few of you. I track the stats of each post. I have roughly ten dedicated views and a few random pings from the tags. THAT’S IT. I’m gonna need a bit more of an audience if I’m gonna keep putting in the effort to read and review this garbage. It’s really starting to wear on me and I’m just not sure an audience of less than 20 is worth it. So if you want more of these reviews, I’m going to need your help to spread the word and get more people on board. Okay, enough of that, let’s get on to the review, shall we?

Twilight, chapter 12: Balancing

This chapter was by far the most boring chapter EVER. And somehow, it also managed to take up a full three pages of notes, more than any other chapter so far. How? How did this happen? NOTHING HAPPENED IN THIS CHAPTER. Let’s find out together, shall we?