A Descent Into Madness: Twilight Review 14

The chapter started out actually kind of interesting. And then took a sharp right turn into Creepytown, USA, population: 2.

Twilight, chapter 14: Mind Over Matter

This chapter will be difficult to review, and not just on account of the fact that I took literally no notes on it while I read. No comments, no quotes, no page numbers. Nothing. And frankly, as it happened, I didn’t need to, because aside from a mind-meltingly creepy confession, absolutely nothing happened in this chapter. And I know I say that a lot, but in comparison, every other time I’ve said that, there’s been some kernel of plot, something to drive the story forward a teensy bitty bit. Not true with this chapter. Continue reading

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A Descent Into Madness, Twilight Review 13

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Twilight, chapter 13: Confessions

Listen, I knew going into this chapter that it was going to be bad. I knew that Edward was going to sparkle and it was going to utterly destroy every single vampire image that came before it. Stephenie Meyer admits to having never seen a single vampire film nor read Dracula. She is exactly the wrong person to write about vampires. And this chapter proves it.

Evidently, it is the chapter from which this entire awful, malformed, inbred, misshapen series was born; Stephenie Meyer had a wet dream, put pen to paper, and gushed this out all over the page. AND THAT IS EXACTLY HOW IT READS. Continue reading

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A Descent Into Madness, Twilight Review 12

This book is going nowhere. And it’s not even going nowhere fast. It’s going nowhere at a crippled snail’s pace. I’m now past the halfway point and Edward and Bella are only just now going on their first real date. And there’s still no conflict. None. Not a drop of it. In fact, there’s no STORY here. It’s literally just day-to-day life with a self-hating, whiny, clumsy, co-dependent, creepily obsessive girl. It. Is. So. Boring. Also, gentlereader, there are pitifully few of you. I track the stats of each post. I have roughly ten dedicated views and a few random pings from the tags. THAT’S IT. I’m gonna need a bit more of an audience if I’m gonna keep putting in the effort to read and review this garbage. It’s really starting to wear on me and I’m just not sure an audience of less than 20 is worth it. So if you want more of these reviews, I’m going to need your help to spread the word and get more people on board. Okay, enough of that, let’s get on to the review, shall we?

Twilight, chapter 12: Balancing

This chapter was by far the most boring chapter EVER. And somehow, it also managed to take up a full three pages of notes, more than any other chapter so far. How? How did this happen? NOTHING HAPPENED IN THIS CHAPTER. Let’s find out together, shall we? Continue reading

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A Descent Into Madness, Twilight Review 11

This chapter was refreshingly not so rage-inducingly sexist that I wanted to punch cute furry things. Don’t get me wrong, it was seventeen flavors of awful, but it was awful you could laugh at, not feel warranted psychological evaluation. I think my favorite part was when Edward used the title of the book in conversation in a super obvious way. I seriously laughed more than raged this chapter.

Twilight, chapter 11: Complications

Alrighty, let’s get this thing started. After the previous two chapters, I had to take a short break before I could pick this book up again. I was so legitimately disturbed and outraged by what I read that I just couldn’t continue reading. This chapter offered a much-appreciated break from the misogyny of recent chapters. Please don’t think I mean it wasn’t there, though. It was. But in comparison, this was bra-burningly feminist. Continue reading

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A Descent Into Madness, Twilight Review 10

I don’t even really know what to say about this chapter. It made me scream out loud more than once. It made me nearly throw the book across the room twice on the same page. I hate this book, I hate this series, I hate these character, and I hate, I hate, I HATE Peter Pan—I mean STEPHENIE MEYER!

Twilight, Chapter 10: Interrogations

Bella wakes up after he big night with Edward and she’s such a moron that she genuinely believes it may have been all in her imagination. And she proves that it really happened in the creepiest way in the history of ever.

“I clung to the parts I couldn’t have imagined—like his smell.”

You’ll recall that his smell is actually the smell OF HIS BREATH. How does anyone read this and not think that Stephenie Meyer is the creepiest person to ever put pen to paper? I mean, we all know that Bella IS Meyer. That’s a pretty thinly veiled fact. This book is a very real window into who Stephenie Meyer is personally. Which means Meyer herself would be the one sniffing Edward’s breath if she could. You know who does crap like that? Crazy stalkers. Stephenie Meyer is a crazy stalker. Thankfully, the person she’s stalking is purely fictional. Continue reading

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A Descent Into Madness, Twilight Review 9

Guys, I am really just grossed out. I’m not saying that to be funny or cute, I’m not exaggerating. I’m genuinely disturbed by what went down over these last two chapters. There is no romance here. There’s nothing sexy or inspirational or aspirational about any of this. This is not something anyone should look at and hope to have someday, nor should they cherish it if they already have it. This is as unhealthy as a relationship gets and you should run if you even think you might be in one like this.

 

Twilight, Chapter 9: Theory

 

This chapter, as with most, picks up mere moments after the last one ended. I personally don’t really care for that style. It makes the story seem to drag on. Chapters, to me, should be largely self-contained, more like small short stories that make up one big story. But since there’s practically no story to speak of in this book, I suppose it doesn’t really matter.

So far, every time we’re in the car with Edward, he’s described as driving too fast. I’m not sure why that is. I guess vampires get impatient or something. But they are also, apparently, able to exert perfect control over a vehicle moving at high speed, so much so that several times, Edward is described as not even paying attention to the road. I’m really not sure what aspect of vampirism grants one control over not just motor vehicles, but all the variables around them as well. Continue reading

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A Descent Into Madness, Twilight Review 8

Yeeeeeeeah, I’m reasonably certain Stephenie Meyer has about as much respect for women as Fox News has unbiased programming. Seriously, guys, there’s misogynistic stuff aplenty in here. The chapter started out stronger than most, but ended with me feeling really gross and uncomfortable. Yikes.

Twilight, Chapter 8: Port Angeles

Gosh, where to begin? At the beginning, I suppose.

Okay, so this chapter starts with Bella, Jessica, and Angela heading out of town to Port Angeles to go dress shopping for the big dance coming up. Even though Bella isn’t going to the dance, she’s riding along to help her friends pick out their dresses. At first, everything seemed to be going well.

For literally one sentence. Then Stephenie Meyer shows how much respect she has for her own sex.

“It had been a while since I’d had a girls’ night out, and the estrogen rush was invigorating. We listened to whiny rock songs while Jessica jabbered on about the boys we were friends with.”

What the hell was that? Meyer is trying to show Bella having a good time…by writing possibly the most clichéd, sexist description of a girls’ night out ever? Stephenie Meyer, why do you hate women? This is nothing compared to what’s to come, either. Ugh. Continue reading

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