A Descent Into Madness, Twilight Review 10

I don’t even really know what to say about this chapter. It made me scream out loud more than once. It made me nearly throw the book across the room twice on the same page. I hate this book, I hate this series, I hate these character, and I hate, I hate, I HATE Peter Pan—I mean STEPHENIE MEYER!

Twilight, Chapter 10: Interrogations

Bella wakes up after he big night with Edward and she’s such a moron that she genuinely believes it may have been all in her imagination. And she proves that it really happened in the creepiest way in the history of ever.

“I clung to the parts I couldn’t have imagined—like his smell.”

You’ll recall that his smell is actually the smell OF HIS BREATH. How does anyone read this and not think that Stephenie Meyer is the creepiest person to ever put pen to paper? I mean, we all know that Bella IS Meyer. That’s a pretty thinly veiled fact. This book is a very real window into who Stephenie Meyer is personally. Which means Meyer herself would be the one sniffing Edward’s breath if she could. You know who does crap like that? Crazy stalkers. Stephenie Meyer is a crazy stalker. Thankfully, the person she’s stalking is purely fictional.

Bella scarfs down some breakfast and heads out for school, brilliantly taking note of the weather.

“It was unusually foggy; the air was almost smoky with it.”

“Almost smoky with it?” You mean…foggy? Jesus Christ, this woman has multiple New York Times best sellers and billions of dollars from the film adaptations. And you know what? I can’t even be angry with her. I’m angry with the millions of idiots around the world who ate this crap up with a spoon and asked for more while brown still dripped down their chins.

As she walks down the driveway, Bella notices that Edward’s car is parked there. He gets out and offers her a ride. That’s right, the guy who has spent 200 pages telling her that she shouldn’t be around him, who admitted the night before that he was actually DANGEROUS for her to be around, whom she herself is convinced wants to drink her blood, just shows up and asks to take her to school. I don’t understand what’s going on. I really don’t. He says she should stay away from him but he keeps facilitating these times together. He follows her and gives her rides and eats lunch with her. Stop telling her she shouldn’t be with you if you’re going to keep hanging out with her! And naturally Bella is much too stupid to pay attention, probably because his perfect looks make her all wibbly-wobbly. And speaking of:

“Again, the fabric clung to his perfectly muscled chest. It was a colossal tribute to his face that it kept my eyes away from his body.”

WHO TALKS LIKE THAT?! It is painfully clear that Stephenie Meyer just wants to bone the crap out of Edward. She writes passages like this all the time, clearly letting her own lust for her fictional character get away from her. She can’t just say, “Edward wore a blue shirt today, which contrasted with his honey eyes.” No, it has to be, “The fabric of Edward’s sky blue shirt pressed tightly against his chest, clinging to the contours of the rippling muscle beneath. The blue, the color of a summer afternoon, made his liquid topaz eyes blaze with a molten fire that burned through me, robbing me of the ability to form coherent thoughts.” UGH!

When they get to school (after Edward drives like a lunatic as usual), Bella wonders where the rest of the Cullen clan is. Edward nods to an ostentatious red convertible (his word), telling her that Rosalie drove. When Bella comments that she’d choose that car over Edward’s Volvo if she could, he says they don’t use it often because they need to blend in. Uh, okay, THEN WHY DO YOU OWN IT? Did someone FORCE you to buy such an ostentatious and attention-grabbing car? Is it some vampire code that says you must own a bright red convertible? Thankfully, even a broken clock is right twice a day and Bella points out the very same glaring hole in Edward’s theory that made me yell at the book and his answer? “We like to drive fast.” Good one, Meyer.

We’re then treated to more of Edward being so perfect that he stuns everyone within a ten-foot radius.

“‘Hello, Jessica,’ Edward said politely. It wasn’t really his fault that his voice was so irresistible. Or what his eyes were capable of.”

Image

I feel it’s important to point something out at this point, especially in lieu of Bella’s confession that she’s in love with Edward. This series is in the first-person perspective. That means we, the reader, live squarely inside Bella’s head. We know what she’s thinking and we know how she really feels, even if she’s lying to someone else. Whenever Bella thinks about Edward, it’s always about his physical traits. She thinks about his perfect face, his musical voice, his exquisite breath, his mesmerizing eyes. She almost never thinks about his personality. She never says how funny he is or how kind he is or how sweet he is. In fact, the only times she describes his behavior, it’s mysterious or mean or angry or even, at times, frightening. So what is she in love with, exactly? They’ve had less than 5 or 6 real conversations since they met and not a single one has been pleasant. She’s always nervous and tense and dumbstruck by his physical appearance when they’re together, so what is it that she’s in love with? Is it just because he was there to save her twice, once only because he was admittedly stalking her? Bella is in love with Edward’s face. Period.

Before class, Edward warns Bella that Jessica will be questioning her about the previous night. He read her mind, because, you know, it’s not a serious violation of privacy if you’re good looking. He tells her Jessica will want to know what happened and if he and Bella are dating. Naturally, Bella asks Edward to tell her what to say. And while she waited for his answer, Stephenie Meyer showed once again that she should throw her thesaurus in the deepest ocean she can find.

“My heart spluttered hyperactively.”

Spluttered? Her heart spluttered? Who tells her these words are words she should be using? Oh, and also, Edward told Bella that he’d be listening in on her and Jessica’s conversation by reading Jessica’s mind during it. Yeah.

So Bella finally meets up with Jessica in Trig and is forces to spill the non-vampire related beans. She mentions that she’s not really sure where she stands with Edward because he’s so hot-and-cold all the time. And then the whole bottom half of the page made me want to rage quite LIFE.

“‘Oh well. He is unbelievably gorgeous,’ Jessica shrugged as if this excused any flaws. Which, in her book, it probably did.”

WHAT!? YOU ALLOW HIS LOOKS TO BLIND YOU TO HIS EVERY MASSIVE, GLARING FLAW, YOU STUPID COW!

“‘There’s a lot more to him than that.

“‘Really? Like what?’”

Yes, Bella, like what??

“‘I can’t explain it right…but he’s even more unbelievable behind the face.’ The vampire who wanted to be good—who ran around saving people’s lives so he wouldn’t be a monster…”

She can’t even say he’s nice, sensitive, funny, anything a normal girl would say when describing the things she liked about the guy she was in love with. No, the only thing, besides his physical appearance, that she can think of is his status as a vampire. That’s it. She couldn’t even lie and say he had a great personality. She was literally at a loss for words when asked what was so great about Edward besides his looks. Shouldn’t that say something about this relationship?

At lunch, Bella meets up with Edward, who you’ll remember, was listening in the whole time she spoke with Jessica. And naturally, he was irritated by what he heard, which was that Bella believes she likes him more than he likes her. He tells her she’s wrong (and Meyer managed to work the word “dazzle” in for at least the sixth time in this book) and asks how she could possibly think that. How? Maybe because you’re constantly belittling her, angry with her, annoyed with her, mocking her clumsiness, treating her like a stupid child, ignoring her completely, telling her she’d be dead if you weren’t around to protect her, show nothing but disdain or at best, sadistic amusement toward her…need I go on? So far, Edward hasn’t said one purely kind word to Bella this whole book. Not one. Every instance of them being together, he get mad or angry with her for something and makes fun of her and is cruel. If that’s him showing he cares, how would he treat her if he didn’t like her? And yet again, this is an instance of Meyer telling and not showing. Edward says he likes Bella and despite the fact that this flies in the face of literally every scrap of evidence shown thus far, we’re meant to believe it. Because he said it. Because Meyer wrote him saying it. Because she’s too much of a hack writer to be able to show it.

Bella doesn’t believe it, either, but for a completely different, but all too familiar, reason.

“‘Well, look at me…I’m absolutely ordinary—well, except for bad things like all the near-death experiences and being so clumsy that I’m almost disabled. And look at you.’ I waved my hand toward him and all his bewildering perfection.”

Yeah, Bella thinks he can’t possibly like her because he’s so perfect and she’s just ordinary. Edward then gives her a completely backhanded compliment by telling her that all the boys were going nuts over her on her first day…but that she’s “dead-on about the bad things.” Who says something like that to another human being whom they claim to like?!

Bella confronts him on his constant warning her away, asking that if he liked her so much, why was he always trying to say goodbye to her. And that leads into the first instance of me wanting to throw the book across the room.

“‘Don’t you see? That’s what proves me right. I care the most, because if I can do it’—he shook his head, seeming to struggle with the thought—‘if leaving is the right thing to do, then I’ll hurt myself to keep from hurting you, to keep you safe.’”

Edward actually says the words, “I CARE THE MOST.” What. What. WHAT. God I hate this book.

Then we quickly come to the second instance of near-book hurling rage.

“If I had to, I supposed I could purposely put myself in danger to keep him close.”

FFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUFGEEKHBFKLHFBLKEFBCLKBLKEFWEKBCADSKJ:CELBHGWEBI:VLBKJFEBKN!

There’s still six pages of this chapter left, folks, and it doesn’t get any better. BUCKLE UP.

They move on to talk about the upcoming dance and the possibility of going instead of driving to Seattle. Edward yet again makes fun of Bella for attracting the attention of Tyler, the boy who was almost the hero of this story by nearly killing Bella with his van.

“I would have been angrier if his laughter wasn’t so fascinating.”

Image

What. What. What. What does that even mean? What are you saying, Stephenie Meyer? WHY ARE YOU A PUBLISHED AUTHOR AND I’M NOT, STEPHENIE MEYER?!

Bella says she’s open to the idea of going to the dances with Edward so long as they lie to Charlie and she gets to drive. Then Edward insults Bella again by implying that the trouble she could get into was orders of magnitude worse in Seattle than it was in Port Angeles, where you’ll remember she was nearly assaulted and/or raped. They make plans to hang out that day and, since it’ll be nice and sunny, he promises to show her why he can’t go out in the sun where everyone can see. That’s gonna be so awesome, I just can’t wait.

And then things take a turn, though for the better or worse, you’ll have to be the judge. Can it really get worse?

Edward insists that Bella tell her father that they’ll be spending time together. When Bella asks why, this is Edward’s actual response:

“His eyes were suddenly fierce. ‘To give me some small incentive to bring you back.’”

That’s right, he wants someone to know where she is so that he’s motivated to hold himself back from MURDERING HER. I am so goddamn done with this book, it’s not even funny. Stephenie Meyer, I hope you get book cancer and can never write again.

They then change the subject to what the Cullens do on their camping trips. As it turns out, they eat bears. Though Edward prefers mountain lion.

I hate this book.

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About J. R. Walker

My name is Josh and I'm an aspiring writer currently attending Southern New Hampshire University online to get my degree in Creative Writing. I currently have over a dozen short stories under my belt, as well as a number of novels in varying stages of completion. I have yet to be published but I'm hoping to self-publish within the next year or so. As a writer, I'm also an avid reader. My current inspirations are H. P. Lovecraft, Stephen King, Jo Rowling, and George R. R. Martin. Besides being a writer, I'm also a fairly decent knitter and crocheter.
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2 Responses to A Descent Into Madness, Twilight Review 10

  1. Just a heads up, in case you review the next 3 books…

    “If I had to, I supposed I could purposely put myself in danger to keep him close.” This is foreshadowing, although I’m sure Meyer didn’t know she was doing that in the first place.

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