Is every chapter going to open up with Bella complaining about something? Because if so, this is going to be a looooooong series. Also, special shout out to the dude who almost hit her with his van. I’m Team Tyler Crowley.
Twilight, Chapter 3: Phenomenon
At a mere fourteen pages, this was a fairly short chapter and quick to get through, mostly by virtue of the fact that only one thing actually happened. Bella was nearly pancaked by a van and Edward inexplicably saved her by stopping the van with his bare, pale, cold, strong, perfect hands. And then was a total dick about it.
First, before I really get into the meat of this review, I need to point something out that seems to be a recurring theme here. I’ve pointed it out before, but it’s only getting worse and this time, I’ve brought quotes. Stephenie Meyer wants to have hot, steamy, dirty sex with Edward Cullen. And while it’s been heavily hinted at in the previous two chapters, the heat of her loins is unleashed in full force in chapter 3. I present to you each instance Edward’s physical features are referenced:
“…I was still tongue-tied whenever I pictured his perfect face.”
“He unleashed the full, devastating power of his eyes on me…” (Like Cyclops from the Xmen?)
“‘Is she sleeping?’ a musical voice asked.” (Okay, so not strictly about his appearance, but there’s that musical voice of his again.)
“Edward was standing at the foot of my bed, smirking. I glared at him. It wasn’t easy—it would have been more natural to ogle.” (Oh brother…)
“‘No blood, no foul,’ he said, flashing his brilliant teeth.”
“I was in danger of being distracted by his livid, glorious face. It was like trying to stare down a destroying angel.” (I got nothin’, honestly.)
“He paused, and for a brief moment his stunning face was unexpectedly vulnerable.” (This sentence is actually nicely constructed; it’s just ridiculous paired with all the rest.)
So yeah, half the chapter was spent with Edward being shown as the epitome of physical perfection. The other half was…kinda awkward.
Okay, so Bella wakes up and, as is now customary, starts whining. Evidently it snowed a bit overnight and like everything else in the world, Bella hates it. So she drives to school, all the while freaking out about falling. No, I’m not kidding.
“Driving to school, I distracted myself from my fear of falling…”
She is apparently so clumsy, that her fear of tripping dominates her thoughts at all times. She distracts herself from this fear by thinking about how annoying it is that she already has two perfectly nice boys who seem interested in her and how totally obnoxious it is to be so liked by people right off the bat. It really is just the worst when a whole community embraces you when you’re the new person, right?
So she gets to school and notices how totally easy it was to drive even though the road was all icy. That’s when she notices that her dad had gotten up early before work and fitted her truck with snow chains.
“My throat suddenly felt tight. I wasn’t used to being taken care of, and Charlie’s unspoken concern caught me by surprise.”
That’s right, she was caught off-guard by her father’s desire for her to not die a fiery death on an icy road. She was so moved by the knowledge that her father didn’t want her to die that she nearly started crying. What?
Then everything happens really fast. Sort of. A van slides on the ice and hurtles toward Bella. Edward, who is four cars away, somehow gets there in time to pull her out of the way and stop the car with his bare hands. The whole thing takes about a page and a half to transpire but despite the fairly extensive description, I have no idea how to picture it in my mind. I think Meyer is just really bad at describing things that aren’t Edward’s face. There was a tan car and some impressions left by Edward’s shoulders and hands. Or something. All I know is he stopped the van, pulled her out of the way, and she hit her head. And despite it being the school parking lot just as everyone was getting to school, no one saw how Edward did it. How convenient for the plot.
So Bella is put on a stretcher and hauled away in an ambulance, whinging and complaining the whole way about how embarrassing it was to be nearly killed and then have people wanting to make sure she’s unhurt. She’s so mortified by her neckbrace that she tears it off like a petulant child the moment her nurse walks away in the hospital. She also complains about having to go on a stretcher when Edward didn’t.
“”What made it worse was that Edward simply glided through the hospital doors under his own power.”
Yes, Edward glided into the hospital. If you can figure out what that means, please explain it to me. Because the image I have is less Greek God and more Heidi Klum. Assuming Edward is the saunterer from the preface, he’s got quite the repertoire of unusual walks at his disposal.
They bring in the kid whose van nearly saved me from having to read three more books and Bella, as usual, can’t be bothered with him. He apologizes multiple times, as one does when they nearly kill someone, and instead of being grateful, she’s just annoyed. I really hate this chick.
Edward comes to her bed to visit and something completely unexpected happened: I found myself not just on Bella’s side, but actually rooting for her. Understandably, Bella wanted to know exactly how Edward managed to save her when he had been four cars away a split second before the crash. At first, he brushes her off, telling her she hit her head and was mistaken. But for once, Bella seems like more than just a cardboard cutout. She defends herself. She knows what she saw and it doesn’t add up. That’s when Edward turns back into a megadouche. He gets angry and snaps at her. And instead of just taking it like I expected her to, Bella fights back. Of course she does so in a way that her inner monologue still comments on how perfect Edward’s face is, but hey, progress is progress. He was trying to push her around and she wasn’t letting him. Good on you, Bella.
The chapter ends with her going home, being annoyed that her father is doting on her (because again, I guess the concept of a parent caring if their child lives or dies is foreign to her), and dreaming about Edward Cullen, Asshat Extraordinaire.
Bella is creepy levels of obsessed with Edward Cullen, you guys. I find it ironic that she is annoyed by the attention she gets from Mike and Eric, the two boys who seem to have a crush on her, when she is SO MUCH WORSE when it comes to Edward. She can’t stop thinking about him when he’s not there. She assumes that she’s the reason he took time away from school. Even when he’s being a total dick, all she can see are his perfections. His face is perfect, his hair is perfect, his eyes are perfect, his voice is musical. What Eric and Mike are doing is sweet and harmless. What she is doing is creepy and emotionally unhealthy. This isn’t love or even lust; this is obsession, pure and simple. And I have a sinking feeling that it’s only gonna get creepier from here.